Live, Laugh, & Die With No Regrets
by Abigail
Summary: A chance encounter with an eldery woman and some offered good advice gives reason for Abby to stop and reflect.


Live, Laugh, and Die With No Regrets  
  
As she walked slowly by, I looked up from my work. Our eyes met, and she smiled a warm smile. I replied with a sincere smile of my own. She continued down the hallway, never looking back, only focusing intently upon what lay in front of her. Sighing softly to myself, I tapped my Pilot upon the pad of paper which lay in front of me. I couldn't focus upon the task at hand, that much was apparent. Gently, I resealed my pen, placing the lid upon the top and shut my loose leaf notebook.  
  
Leisurely, I stood from my chair and pushed it back into its position. Checking my watch, I took a deep breath and turned to Kerry, "I need some air." I didn't wait for a response, nor did I really look to get one. She was concentrating too heavily upon the overflow of patients which the ER had recently succumbed to. It was a hustling, bustling beautiful winter day. I didn't need to be stuck in here.a place of death, destruction, and little hope for the weary.  
  
The instant upon stepping out into the brilliant sunshine, a wealth of warmth poured over me. For December, the weather was unusually pleasant. With little thought, I wrapped my arms around myself and headed towards the lake. It wasn't a far walk, a short journey. I had time to think, time to myself.time which I so desperately needed. Life had slowly began to swallow me. Every small particle was encompassing my every action, and until recently, I was filled with so much despair.so much anguish and frustration. I tried so very hard to create a perfect, loving and caring environment to live in; yet, I never tried to create an environment of such conditions within myself. After collapsing in a reign of pain, a moment of sheer human error, I was only then able to pick myself back up and regain my physical and mental awareness of everything and everyone in my life. I had let so much slide past me; I had done so very little to obtain a grasp upon what was occurring. I built walls, walls of stone, concrete, brick, and steel.walls which no one, not even myself, could ever pass over.  
  
I leaned carefully upon the iron fence and gazed out over the lake. It was so majestic and calming and yet, so disconcerting at the same. The ripples created as the tides washed upon shore were much like the ripples of life. Harsh moments in life, times which are so rough upon us we do not know if we will live to see the light of the next morning's sunrise, wash into our lives with little or no warning. And then, just as quickly as these harsh moments washed in, they wash back out again. We are left with feeling of comfort; however, we are fully aware that another ripple in the life which we live will wash upon us in time.  
  
I stared out into the open water, reminiscing about the ripples in my life. Maggie, my mother, was quite possibly the biggest ripple of all. God, I loved her so, yet.at one point in my life, I dared not to love her at all. I wanted her to suffer; I wanted her to feel all of the pain and all of the guilt she had put me through. Why should she be happy? I had suffered so much as a child. I grew up without a father, and more or less, without a mother. She witnessed none of my early firsts. I cried myself to sleep more times in my childhood than any child should every cry in his or her lifetime. It took nearly losing her, nearly losing her for the hundredth time over, for me to finally realize how much I truly missed her and how much I truly needed her. We needed each other. The loves of my life could count for a million ripples. I have fallen in love so hard so many times, my knees are bruised. I stumble around in the darkness, never aware of my surroundings. I fall for the ones who care, the men who tell me what I want to hear, and give me what I need to feel. They offer me consolation in times of need. I give nothing back, though. I supply false assurances, emotions with no strings attached, love with no receipt. I can't commit; I never could. The only person I could every commit to was myself, and that was merely out of the fact that I honestly believed I could never hurt, disappoint, or destroy myself. I woke up, though. We all have to wake-up at one point or another in life.  
  
As I walked back to the hospital, I counted my steps. By the time I reached the ambulance bay, I was on step number 973. I would never retrace those exact steps; I couldn't go back and walk in that very same path. It was pointless to even try to do so. Life was meant to be lived walking forward, creating new paths, ignoring old trails, and never retracing steps taken in the past.  
  
I did not go straight to the admit desk to check charts or patient status. Instead, I went to the lounge. After pouring myself a cup of coffee, I sat quietly upon the couch. I sat there, listening to the sounds coming from behind the doors. It was as if I was living in two different worlds at the same time. Sighing, I took the last sip of my coffee. Holding the mug between my two hands, I stared into the emptiness of the bottom. No answers to questions unanswered was offered, just an empty coffee cup. Shaking my head, I stood and made my way slowly towards the sink. After rinsing out my cup, I sat it beside the sink and turned to go. Luka walked in as I was walking out. He smiled tenderly, "I was hoping I would run into you." A warm blush crept over his cheeks, "Last night was nice, Abby."  
  
I smiled in a pleasing manner and nodded, "It was nice, Luka."  
  
The door shut softly behind him, and for a moment, the sounds coming from the second world were silent. "I had forgotten what it was like.well.I had forgotten how easily I could get lost in you." He sighed faintly. Looking away, he spoke, "I don't want to forget again, Abby."  
  
I took his hand, squeezed it gently, and replied, "Never forget something that brings happiness into your life, Luka."  
  
He tilted his head, "Are you okay?"  
  
Laughing gently, I nodded, "I couldn't be better." I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, then turned to go, "I get off at six. I'll wait for you here."  
  
I stepped out into the hallway, trying to gather my senses. I headed towards the admit desk, and began rummaging through the charts, trying to locate the medical chart for the young girl in Exam Room 3. I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning, I found myself face to face with elderly woman who had passed me earlier. She smiled once more and handed me my Pilot and my pad. "You left these here. I was afraid someone might take them."  
  
Slightly confused, I replied, "Right.thank-you."  
  
She placed her right hand upon the notebook, her frail fingers touching the cover ever-so-gently. "Keep it close to you."  
  
Before I could reply, she turned to and was gone. I watched her leave. She said a word to no one, never looked back, never looked down, and never broke the smile which was upon her face. I looked down upon my pad of paper and softly caressed the cover. It had been a gift from my mother. She had jotted small note-worthy notes within it, and then given it to me on my birthday. On days when I was feeling upset, I always read the notes. I opened notebook gently to the front, and then softly flipped through the pages. On the last page was an entry written in angelic scrawl. It was not my mother's writing, nor was it mine. My eyes wandered through the words and in time, I realized just how powerful and meaningful these words truly are and always will be.  
  
Do not look back; focus straight ahead, Look to the future for the answers, ignore the past for clues, Live for now, Live for tomorrow; Let yesterday slide, Tell the people you love that you truly do love them, tell them now, do not wait. Let life happen, what takes place takes place; What is meant to be will surely be; All things occur for a reason and While we may not see it now, in time we will. That doesn't make the hurt, the pain, the guilt, and the frustration of today any easier, though.  
  
Forget those who do not exist; ignore those who do not care, Remember the ones who smile.  
  
If you die tonight, tomorrow, or fifty years from now, die knowing that you did the best that you could do at everything you tried, everything you accomplished,  
  
Live, laugh, and die with no regrets, no sorrow, no pain, and no fear. 


End file.
